<in view of de upcomin holidays... i've decided 2 post more den usual 2 keep u all bz n entertained lar... enjoy...>

Adam Chips

10 Reasons Adam Was The Luckiest Man

1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married.

2. He had no in-laws to drop in.

3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.

4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.

5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.

6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.

7. He never had to shovel snow!

8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn't normal.

9. There was no "standard weight and height" tables - and the word FAT meant good.

10. When God asked "Adam, where are you?" He replied, "The woman you gave me was reading the map."

<r all women dat bad wif maps n directions??!!??>


Vegas Chips

Jill was down on her luck in Las Vegas. She had gambled away all her money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the ladies room. The stall happened to be open, so she used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. She took her winnings and went to a progressive slot machine and turned her small winnings into ten million dollars.

Wealthy beyond her wildest dreams, Jill went on the lecture circuit, where she told her incredible story. She told her audiences that she was eternally grateful to her benefactor, and if she ever found the woman she would share her fortune with her. After months of lectures, a woman in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that woman. I was the one who gave you the dime."

"You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the woman who left the door open!"


Riddle Chips

Q: What do you call a rabbit with lots of flees?
A: Bugs Bunny.

Q: Mrs. Bigger had a baby. Who was bigger?
A: The baby, because he was a little Bigger.

Q: What language does a billboard speak?
A: Sign language!

Q: Where do books sleep?
A: Under their covers

Q: Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks?
A: In case they get a hole in one

Q: Why did the lady go outdoors with her purse open?
A: Because she expected some change in the weather.


Lawyer Chips

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.


Arts Chips

I was shopping in an arts and crafts store, where a friend of mine worked, for a gift for my niece. She had taken an interest in oil painting and I planned to purchase a beginner set of paints and brushes.

My friend was at the cash register when I was checking out. I hadn't seen her for a few weeks and had started a diet in the meantime, having moderate success.

She asked me if I had gotten thinner.

I was thrilled that it showed already and replied that I had lost a few pounds.

She rolled her eyes and said, "I meant paint thinner."


Short Chips

Jill was sitting in a bar having a drink.

This guy walked over and sat down next to her. He said, "You have that 'lost' look in your eyes."

Jill said, "You're close. It's a 'get lost' look."


Funeral Chips

The age of the computer brings much ease and expertise to the preparation of the worship folders.

Some churches which use the same basic format each week can simply call up the form on the computer screen, make a few necessary changes, and presto, it's done.

But it can be tricky.

In one church I know, they use the same format for funeral services. And when a person dies and a funeral service is prepared, the secretary simply uses the word-search-and-replace process and changes the name of the deceased from the previous service to the name of the deceased who has just passed away.

Very simple.

So when Edna died, the pastor instructed the secretary to prepare the service for her by following the above mentioned process.

The last person who died was Mary. So the secretary instructed the computer to change all "Marys" to Ednas." And so it was.

Image the surprise of the attendees when they recited the Apostles Creed and read: "He was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Edna..."


Newsboy Chips

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."

The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"


Day Chips

DAYS of the WEEK.

Because of the reaction people have when they wake up and realize it's a workday again and the weekend is over, the first day of the week is called Moanday.

Many people too busy to cook on the second day of the week just open a can of beans. Hence the day is known as Tootsday.

By the third day of the week, people are wondering when they can ever find the time to get everything done this week that they need to, hence the day is known as Whensday.

Too bleary to even count properly, people think it's only Day Three of the week on the next day, therefore it's erroneously called Thirdsday.

On the last day of the workweek, people often go out "for a few" after work. By the time they get home, they're too tired to cook anything elaborate, so they just throw a piece of meat, chicken, or fish in the skillet. That's why the day is known as Fryday.

Saturday night all the singles let loose. There's a lot of sexual hijinks. It's pretty obvious why the day is called Satyrday.

And on the last day of the week--and the weekend--people look at all the items on their to-do lists that didn't get crossed off, groan aloud, and make themselves promises they won't keep. Therefore the day is called Soonday. 

Dog Chips

How Many Dogs Would it Take To Replace A Burned Out Light Bulb...

1.. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me. Just try 'n make me!

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there...

13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. So...Who cares?

14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ...

15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.


Groaner Chips

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this. By the way, what was it that you didn't do?

The little girl replied, "My homework."

Math Chips

Mrs. Johnson, the elementary school math teacher, was having children do problems on the blackboard that day.

"Who would like to do the first problem, addition?" she asked.

No one raised their hand.

She called on Tommy, and with some help he finally got it right.

"Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?"

Students hid their faces.

She called on Mark, who got the problem but there was some suspicion his girlfriend, Lisa, whispered it to him.

"Who would like to do the third problem, division?"

Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at nothing in particular.

The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right.

"Who would like to do the fourth problem, multiplication?"

Johnny's hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room.

Mrs. Johnson finally gained her composure in the stunned silence.

"Why the enthusiasm, Johnny?"

"The Bible says to go fourth and multiply!"

Brother Chips

Brother Bill lived with his brother Bob. Brother Bill was a cripple, and had to use crutches to get around, so brother Bob decided to take his brother Bill, on a trip to Europe, which he had desired for some time.

Upon returning to the USA, they were met by a reporter, to interview the brothers to hear of their travels.

"So," brother Bob, says, "went to the leaning tower of Pizza, went all the way to the top, and it was a beautiful sight."

The reporter asks, "Did brother Bill get to go?"

Bob states, "No, he's cripple ya know ."

Then he states that they went to Paris, to visit the Eiffel Tower and got to go all the way top.

The reporter asks, "Did brother Bill get to go with you?"

Bob says, "No, he's cripple ya know."

They then stopped by the Vatican, in which they were able to meet the Pope, who at the time was giving a formal service. Brother Bill walked up to the Pope with the help of his crutches. The Pope touched brother Bill on the left shoulder, and his left crutch went flying off to the left. He then touched brother Bill on the right shoulder, and his right crutch just went flying off that way.

At this point, the reporter asked, "Well, did brother Bill walk after that?"

Brother Bob answers, "No, as a matter of fact, brother Bill fell on his backside. He's cripple ya know."


Flying Chips

Once my [blonde] sister in law and her husband had to take a flight that had 4 other stops before arriving at the Dallas-Forth Worth Airport.

At the first stop, a little white truck drove up to the plane and my sister in law watched it pull up to the wing. She asked her husband,

"What's that little white truck doing?"

He explained that some airlines don't completely fuel up a plane for various reasons & we were taking on more fuel. This process was repeated at the next three stops, and my sister in law watched the plane being fueled each time.

At the last stop, her husband said,

"Ya know, in spite of all these delays, we're making pretty good time."

His wife pointed out the window and said,

"I don't know....that lil' white truck is keeping up with us."


Irish Chips

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.

The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

Amazing Chips

INTERESTING OR WHAT?

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb".

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king in history:

Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.


Dust Chips

After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.

"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Johnny, I did."

"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"

"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"


Short Chips

It was mealtime during a flight. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Matt, seated in front.

"What are my choices?" Matt asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

History Chips

THE MARCH OF TIME

Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel; the only way to move things was by carrying or dragging.

One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food preparation area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just WATCHING.

Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders. They called the chief out of his cave and pointed out the unusual boulders and said then they ought to be useful in some way.

This was the beginnings of true civilization. Wug, the chief, studied these round boulders and formed a council of ten of the wisest men in the camp to determine how best to use these unusual rocks.

The council knew they were on the verge of a wonderful discovery but it eluded them. The only thing they could do is to call in all the men of the camp, have each one look over the stones, and go back to their caves and t-h-i-n-k about them.

This, in itself, was a daring program as no one had ever t-h-o-u-g-h-t bout anything except eating before.

For a week the men gave up watching the women dragging food to the encampment and gathered in small groups d-i-s-c-u-s-s-i-n-g this topic. Another breakthrough for civilization!

At the end of the month, Gug, a smaller cave man, came up with an i-d-e-a. He discussed this with the others and the whole camp felt that this was a wonderful t-h-o-u-g-h-t.

The men would sit on the boulders and w-a-t-c-h the women as they dragged the food to the camp.

One big burley male found it was interesting to take a pile of small stones to his rock and throw them at the women when they became exhausted and slowed down.

This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television and the remote control.


Bonus Chip

After one of the machines at work suddenly went on the fritz, our boss called the repair service and asked to speak to the manager, Ahmed.

"Hello, Ed speaking. How can I help you?" said the guy who answered the phone.

"Sorry," said my boss. "I was looking for Ahmed."

"This is Ahmed," came the reply. "How can I help you?"

"I thought you just said your name was Ed?" asked my boss.

"It is. But whenever I say 'Ahmed,' people think I'm saying, 'I'm Ed.' So I figured it's just easier to be Ed."